Loud pipes save lives, you say? Oh, I see: your low-profile motorcycle is more obvious to cars if it’s very, very loud. Okay, Mr. Safety-Conscious-Biker-Whose-Illegal-Aftermarket-Exhaust-Is-Quite-Literally-Louder-Than-A-Jackhammer… let’s talk about safety. I have some ideas.
First off, I’d like to discuss your color scheme. Black bike, black jacket, black gloves, black chaps, black doo rag… oh, yes, it’s all very cool! You do cut a pretty smart figure. And they say black is slimming, too, which is nice.
But… well, did you notice that black is pretty much the same color as the road? That’s a sort of camouflage, a French word that roughly translates as “makes you pretty fucking hard to see“. How about you tweak the look a bit? I’m thinking day-glow safety orange, like hunters wear so they don’t shoot each other in the face. Good, huh? Or maybe slap a hot pink vest over top of the leather– highly visible and attention-getting!
Oh. No, I suppose that wouldn’t look as cool. Not a very badass look, and the ladies do love a badass look.
Okay… well, what about a flag? You could attach it to the back of the bike, on a pole a little higher than your head. Something brightly-colored, though, like–
Oh. I forgot about the badass look and ladies thing. No bright flags, then.
All right, this might sound a little off the wall: helmets. No, stop laughing, I’m serious! Football players wear them all the time, and the worst they’ll run into is a big guy, moving at maybe fifteen miles per hour. You’re going about seventy, and the biggest thing you could collide with is sixteen tons of Mack truck moving in the opposite direction. Even if you just fall over sideways, your head could hit a whole highway, which is made of unyielding asphalt and way bigger and harder than Ray Lewis. If you’re really serious about safety, you could push for a law requiring these helmet things!
Ohhh. Wind in the face… feeling of freedom… bad hat hair… peers call you a pussy… oh, and the ladies again; I didn’t think of that.
So, let me get this straight: you’re willing to take safety measures, as long as it doesn’t ruin your look or your self-image, or require the slightest change or compromise on your part. Is that about right? Wow… I guess that means you really do need your loud pipes, and that there’s only one thing left to do:
Sue Harley Davidson. Sue them off the goddamned planet.
Seriously! If you honestly believe that loud pipes save lives, then quiet pipes must, conversely, kill riders… and Harley-Davidson adamantly refuses to manufacture a bike that emits what you consider a “life saving” noise level. Therefore, by your own argument, America’s leading motorcycle manufacturer is willfully endangering its customer base with their recklessly stealthy factory exhaust systems. If you’re concerned enough about biker safety to blast 120 decibels into my living room, surely you’ll now launch a legal crusade to hold H-D accountable for the thousands of riders they’ve murdered in cold blood. What do you say?
Hey, why are you riding off? Probably to a high-powered attorney, I expect, to take down these quiet bike makers and their 85 decibel deathtraps. Ride on, Mr. Safety-Conscious-Biker-Whose-Illegal-Aftermarket-Exhaust-Is-Quite-Literally-Louder-Than-A-Jackhammer! Ride on, to a louder and safer tomorrow!
–Ray
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Car Horns ≠ Social Tools
When somebody beeps their horn at me while I’m walking on the sidewalk, I never react. Ever.
Correction: sometimes I startle a bit and cringe into a half-assed defensive posture, just like everybody else within a hundred foot radius of a car horn. (I resist the urge, but reflex is a powerful motivator.) I react this way because the average automobile honk is, by design, alarmingly loud and omnidirectional. Clearly, it is not a device well-suited to communicate such subtleties as a warm, friendly “Hi there!” to a specific individual. In fact, there are only two legitimate messages one should send with a car horn:
1) “You there! I am about to smash into you with my vehicle. Evade me, or brace for crushing impact.”
2) “The light is green. Please stop texting and move your fucking car.”
That’s it. If you’re beeping for any other reason, you are most likely misusing your car horn.
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on February 9, 2008 at 3:23 am Leave a CommentTags: beep, car, horn, loud, rude