7 The BIG GOD GUY looked upon his two little boys, and He said, “Go now, and make your homes, and take wives, and generally get busy and be happy.” 2 And the two boys went into the world to make their fortunes. 3 The older boy climbed the highest mountain, and he looked every way, and he saw vast tracts of arable land, strewn with riches and opportunity, in every direction. Yet on reflection, the oldest boy decided that he would rather stay on the land on which the BIG GOD GUY his father had raised him. 4 So it was that even though it was a small and almost entirely worthless place, the older boy felt a great sentimentality towards this land, and did claim it as his own.
5 The younger boy climbed the same mountain, and beheld prosperity as far as the eye could see in every direction. Yet when he climbed down from the mountain, and saw his brother building a house on their poor childhood plot, the younger boy did stamp his foot and jump up and down and cry and wail, and there began a great argument between the brothers.
6 The BIG GOD GUY frowned, and came upon the boys as a stag. Or something on fire. Or maybe a wise man. 7 Anyway, he was generally displeased, and He asked the boys, “What seems to be the problem here?” And both boys did rant, and rave, and reference ancient maps and historical documents, and the BIG GOD GUY shushed them forcefully. 8 “Perhaps one of my boys could simply leave this tiny, and actually really crappy, piece of land,” He suggested, “and go make his home elsewhere.” And the BIG GOD GUY did gesture out at the rest of the world, which was about 400,000 times bigger than the boys’ childhood home and really quite nice, on balance. 9 And the BIG GOD GUY departed in a flash of light, or some other dramatic special effect.
10 Both boys wiped the snot and tears from their faces, and nodded, and praised their father for his wisdom, and ordered one other to leave. And the argument began anew, and there was slapping, and kicking, and pulling of hair, and the BIG GOD GUY did return with a clap of thunder. Yes, definitely thunder.
11 “Children,” growled the BIG GOD GUY, “I’ve had about enough of this shit. Stop bickering over this little pile of sand. There’s a whole fucking world out there.” 12 And both boys, abashed, did prostrate themselves and beg forgiveness, then began citing passages from books again, whereupon the BIG GOD GUY did swat them each on the ass in turn. “Shut the fuck up!” He did roar. “I don’t care what your prophets and seers wrote. I’m telling you right now: no dirt is this important. Stop your whining and get the fuck along.” 13 And the BIG GOD GUY did head back to his room, warning, “Do not make Me come down here again.”
14 And both boys did smile, and shake hands for the cameras, and played nice for a few days. 15 Then the conversation did inevitably turn to that same tiny piece of dirt, and the boys were now shooting bullets, and exploding in crowded areas, and launching cruise missiles, and generally beating the piss out of one another.
16 So it came that one day, there was great disaster, and both boys were quite dead, and the land over which they had fought laid waste. The family of the older boy blamed the younger, and the family of the younger boy blamed the older, but both families went their separate ways and did not squabble or bicker any longer. 17 And the rest of the people of the world publicly bemoaned the tragedy of it all, but privately thanked the BIG GOD GUY that the two nutjob boys had finally shut the hell up about that useless strip of land.
18 And the BIG GOD GUY did murmer, “You’re welcome.” And it wasn’t good, but it was a little bit better and a whole lot more quiet.
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Excerpts from the Book of Surliness
7 The BIG GOD GUY looked upon his two little boys, and He said, “Go now, and make your homes, and take wives, and generally get busy and be happy.” 2 And the two boys went into the world to make their fortunes. 3 The older boy climbed the highest mountain, and he looked every way, and he saw vast tracts of arable land, strewn with riches and opportunity, in every direction. Yet on reflection, the oldest boy decided that he would rather stay on the land on which the BIG GOD GUY his father had raised him. 4 So it was that even though it was a small and almost entirely worthless place, the older boy felt a great sentimentality towards this land, and did claim it as his own.
5 The younger boy climbed the same mountain, and beheld prosperity as far as the eye could see in every direction. Yet when he climbed down from the mountain, and saw his brother building a house on their poor childhood plot, the younger boy did stamp his foot and jump up and down and cry and wail, and there began a great argument between the brothers.
6 The BIG GOD GUY frowned, and came upon the boys as a stag. Or something on fire. Or maybe a wise man. 7 Anyway, he was generally displeased, and He asked the boys, “What seems to be the problem here?” And both boys did rant, and rave, and reference ancient maps and historical documents, and the BIG GOD GUY shushed them forcefully. 8 “Perhaps one of my boys could simply leave this tiny, and actually really crappy, piece of land,” He suggested, “and go make his home elsewhere.” And the BIG GOD GUY did gesture out at the rest of the world, which was about 400,000 times bigger than the boys’ childhood home and really quite nice, on balance. 9 And the BIG GOD GUY departed in a flash of light, or some other dramatic special effect.
10 Both boys wiped the snot and tears from their faces, and nodded, and praised their father for his wisdom, and ordered one other to leave. And the argument began anew, and there was slapping, and kicking, and pulling of hair, and the BIG GOD GUY did return with a clap of thunder. Yes, definitely thunder.
11 “Children,” growled the BIG GOD GUY, “I’ve had about enough of this shit. Stop bickering over this little pile of sand. There’s a whole fucking world out there.” 12 And both boys, abashed, did prostrate themselves and beg forgiveness, then began citing passages from books again, whereupon the BIG GOD GUY did swat them each on the ass in turn. “Shut the fuck up!” He did roar. “I don’t care what your prophets and seers wrote. I’m telling you right now: no dirt is this important. Stop your whining and get the fuck along.” 13 And the BIG GOD GUY did head back to his room, warning, “Do not make Me come down here again.”
14 And both boys did smile, and shake hands for the cameras, and played nice for a few days. 15 Then the conversation did inevitably turn to that same tiny piece of dirt, and the boys were now shooting bullets, and exploding in crowded areas, and launching cruise missiles, and generally beating the piss out of one another.
16 So it came that one day, there was great disaster, and both boys were quite dead, and the land over which they had fought laid waste. The family of the older boy blamed the younger, and the family of the younger boy blamed the older, but both families went their separate ways and did not squabble or bicker any longer. 17 And the rest of the people of the world publicly bemoaned the tragedy of it all, but privately thanked the BIG GOD GUY that the two nutjob boys had finally shut the hell up about that useless strip of land.
18 And the BIG GOD GUY did murmer, “You’re welcome.” And it wasn’t good, but it was a little bit better and a whole lot more quiet.
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on January 17, 2008 at 12:23 am Comments (2)Tags: god, heresy, holy land, religion, war